I am still here. I have not gone anywhere. This film, like myself, has grown and changed and unlike myself, is now in it’s final stages of post production! I am personally and emotionally still a work in progress, but the path I have taken has led me down many rabbit holes and I emerge a better work.
I have not posted here for 8 months. I have started many drafts, but full disclosure, the joviality of my posts had declined so much, that I couldn’t bear to post them. That was part of my process-a lot of fear, will I ever get this done? Will people want to watch this? Why would they want to watch it? Will they think it’s crap? And there are two things we do in fear- fight or flight. In essence I chose a little bit of both. And MAYBE just F@$&ING MAYBE that is also reflected in my F@$&ING FILM!!!
TA-RA! Why are you swearing??? BECAUSE!!! Do you see? DO YOU SEE? ART REFLECTS LIFE!
I flighted, yes. I ran away from this blog, I ran away from things that I was afraid would hurt me! I ran away from many things in the past 8 months. Somedays it was this film, because it scared me so much.
BUT I ALSO FIGHTED! Even though it scared me, I inched forward a little bit at a time. For someone who is used to running into the flames of life, this was the hardest part for me I think. The inability to just use sheer force to get it done, almost drove me quite mad a few times. And also this other weird fear of success? What the hell is that fear, that was a new one! But I kept inching forward, felt like this:
LMAO. The big beast is my film and I am Gandolf, in this analogy, I guess. I have also wanted long flowy grey hair and a beard for as long as I can remember… So I kept going. Even when work wasn’t actually happening, I was always thinking about you, my film
Yes sums up my feelings, so accurately! Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time. Give me one more change to keep you satisfied! Damn you Willie, how do you know!
So my point is, that even though I withdrew, I also never stopped. This is probably making no sense. But it was a dance I guess. back and forth. And I guess I am learning, most things in life are like this. So I danced back and forth, AND as you will see soon enough, so do the characters in my film. Owl & Fox fall in love, much to the dislike of her entire family, who freak OUT!!! So THEY RUN AWAY! but they don’t run away and stop living, they keep going and make their own family, and THEN guess what, Fox’s family returns! They return to each other. Even after so much strife and time, they come back together. All is forgiven, because deep down they only want to be together.
Making art is struggle, no matter what the form. My film is a labor of love, and hate. I learned so much about myself, process, and life, it has been almost impossible to talk about it. But each time I returned, I found RENEWED LOVE for my film. I found things about my film, that even “I” didn’t know, and it was only through this back and forth dance that I was able to think, feel, and process my emotions into art. I will eventually post the started drafts, now that the weight of completion has been lifted as I approach the end of this journey. I imagine they will seem like the ramblings of a drunk hobo, but I will add my renewed “mostly sane now” comments about what I remember of my state of being at the time.
In summation, I have learned that fight or flight don’t have to be unilaterally acted upon. You can Flight, but just remember that you can still Fight in a slow way, moving forward. I am reminded of Rugby in that you pass BACKWARDS??? so how does a team keep moving forward? BY ONLY PASSING BACKWARDS A SHORT DISTANCE, then you move forward again.
Does this chart make sense to anyone? No? Yeah, me neither. Moving on….
After talking about flighting I was looking for a inspirational quote:
This is funny to me, because now it reads to me like-you never know when you will just run away from your problems! It could be anytime!
YEAH!!! Wait…wha? You…you should probably not keep running if it hurts. AND REALLY STOP RUNNING IF THE PAIN STOPS WHILE YOU ARE RUNNING???? You should probably go to the hospital, was it a knee injury? Or just hire someone keen people you trust to finish you film and stop running! That sounds like a good plan!
So FIGHT & FLIGHT, I love beards, this is mostly a post about how I love beards, Willie Nelson YOU are always on MY mind, and PEACE OUT!